My summer is almost over and it sucks. I go back to collage on next monday. I'm not ready to go back but duty calls I suppose! Adult world here I come, lets hope were all ready. But I have had a very nice time at my cousins apartment this week and even if I am a little anxious about coming home I like it down here which I never thought I would say I guess its pretty much the fact that this is the most free I have ever felt. If that makes any sense I know I have to go home but It just feels as if I'll be going back to something that really isn't mine Ya know I know its practical that I stay living with my parents but right now it feels a little inadequate I don't know I guess now I'm just rambling and not making any sense. I know independence isn't all its cracked up to be but still I kinda feel like by going home its just a furtherance of childhood instead of stepping out into a new chapter of my life like it should be . As it is there is already been several things I should have thought about way before but never did and in hindsight I could have saved myself a whole world of problems and worry god how I hate life sometimes. I have even started reconsidering so many things that I thought I knew about how I thought I wanted my life to work out and now nothing seems right how the hell dose one get themselves into these kinds of messes and why is it that all of a sudden I feel so fucking lost it isn't even funny how confused I am right now and there isn't even anyone home right now or for quite a wile to talk to and I don't have a phone. And I keep talking about wanting to feel more independent while right now all I want is to talk to my mom WTF!! I guess its because everything I can think of to solve my problem is up state not down here holly crap!!!!! Who Knows Maybe when I get home I'll feel differently maybe even better than I feel right now but I just don't know.

The Day Dawns

The day dawns on the night I thought I might loose your friendship forever
The day dawns and nothing has changed from the night before and your soon to be gone
The day dawns and my heart is broken and I'm not Sher how to proceed
The day dawns and the harsh light shines on the broken peaces
The day dawns and I can't take this anymore
The day dawns and shows all the humiliation you put me threw

The day dawns and I know I must just let it go

If its to be it will and if not then there is nothing I can do
The day dawns and I have to keep moving on
The day dawns and nothing will ever be the same
The day dawns and I cant change you no matter how much I might try
The day dawns and the little tiers keep coming down just like the night before

The day dawns and I must grow up and push past the pain

The day dawns and I have decide its not worthy of my time if it makes me feel this bad

The day dawns and I will product my self in my most respectable manner I can

The day dawns and in the light I have recreated my perception of pain

Broken peaces of the things that used to be still remain but are no more

There just the dust after the explosion that no one saw coming

And the end is unavoidable

Some times people drive me so crazy that just reading something they put online drives me nuts and makes me want to rant and to tell them all just how ridicules I think they sound and how much I hate them at that particular moment. But I try my hardest not to give into that impulse and then sometimes I just can't hold it in but I just rant instead of speaking directly to them and sometimes I end up sounding like I have lost my ever loving mind in the process even though its just me letting off steam so I don't totally blow my friendships and such to smithereens by blowing my top even if they deserve it fully and most of the time they do but I'm just not that person no matter how much my parents would like me to tell all the ones who make me crazy almost all the time to just go screw them selves. Even if it would feel so good the good times seem to out way the bad even though more and more lately the bad times are more frequent than the good. And it's bad that people I barely know make me feel way better than people I have known for so many years and know me so well but in resent months they have shown me that maybe they may not really know me at all! And that realization really sucks ass cuz it's very hurtful when they say things that insult things that are even more a part of me than anything elts ever could be and definitely are not things that I can change the only thing I can do is work with them and threw them cuz guess what its pretty much part of my genetics. Some times criticism is good but when that criticism cuts that deeply into who you are threw things you can't change and when almost everyone sitting in the "proverbial" room basically already knows what the other person is going to say B4 they say it is pretty bad and can make a person really feel like shit! Especially when you do everything you can not to hurt there feelings by telling them just how you feel about how they have been acting lately!!! At first I was looking foreword to this last summer with my friends but now I'm starting to not be able to wait until the summer is over and most of my friend have went away to collage or what ever elts they plan to do with there lives because when I don't have to deal with them all the time maybe I wont want to kill them so much all the time. Maybe just maybe that's all we need is to get the hell away from each other or maybe I should just love and cherish what was and leave the rest of it alone and maybe it will all fall apart and maybe not but its just possible that its not up to me and it might just be best to let things be. It may even be possible that we weren't meant to stay friends past high school because were just not as compatible as friends as were once were. Well now that I have ranted and raved and opened it all up to the point of No return that it has left me completely drained and for today there just isn't anything left. Now I feel bare and raw God it hurts deep down inside!

Weekend

Last weekend I went to a party at a my friend Chayton's house so that was supper fun and I'm glad I got to go to this one. But I only got a half hour of sleep and had a wedding reception to go to the next day, but I slept in the car the whole way down to Vassar even though it was slightly uncomfortable. But the day went amazingly at the reception and it was very nice to see everybody cuz I hadn't seen most of them sens I was a little kid, and we mad plans to get together again at some point this summer which I'm looking forward to that! And then I got to go with my mom and visit with my sister for like an hour or so and I missed her a lot. We gave her her belated birthday present because we couldn't make it down to her party the weekend b-4, and hopeful she'll come and stay with use up here at some point this summer. So yeah my weekend was pretty full but it was a grate weekend actually one of the best this summer so far!!

New Bands

I absolutely Love hearing about a new band and loving one of there songs so then going to look up the bands to see what elts they have done and finding that I really like a lot of there music. Most of the time the bands are not necessarily new but I have never herd of them before. My newest one has been "My Darkest Days" I herd there song "Porn Star Dancing" on the radio station WKQZ-Z93 93.3 FM. They do some thing called Z93 Fight Club. Where they play two songs and the listeners vote on which song they like best then that song goes on to the next day. And that's were I herd it and I really liked the song. Then today I went on YouTube to find them and actually liked a lot of the songs that I herd. So sometimes the radio can be a good way to find new bands. A lot of the time I don't like listening to the radio because they play repeats of songs over and over but sens Ive been on brake I have listened to it a lot.

Graduation (Yeah)!

We had our first graduation practice today it was long and boring!! And then we have dress rehearsal tomorrow. Which should be loads of fun (NOT)!!! But then we have the actual graduation the following day so at least it will be all over then and I'll be so happy when it is. Then that night we have the Senior Lock-In which should actually be a total blast and that I cant wait for. It's one of those things that you here about from people who have already graduated and then you spend your whole high school career dreaming about, so to say, then its like holly wow I cant believe its here already and Its so supper exiting!!! So graduation here comes the Ogemaw Heights High School Senior Class Of 2010!!

Almost the end! =(

It's almost the end of my high school career. I go to school full days on Monday and Tuesday, then I have one Exam on Wednesday, and 2 on Thursday. Then we have Graduation on the Saturday after that which is the 19th then we have the Senior Lock In and I'm done with High School for good. I'm Super exited but its going to be hard saying good bye to everyone. I mean we'll have Open Houses to attend during the Summer pulse I have a friends Wedding and Reception to go to as well. So Graduation wont be final goodbyes or anything especially with Technology as it is today and all but its still never going to be the same!!! But I guess we all have to grow up and become different people and expand our horizons and live with the consequences of being our own people and growing up. We can't stop it so I guess we must embrace it or fail.