Today I totally broke down. My dad and I were talking about my sister's mom which led to talking about my sister and then I just started thinking about everything that's been going on. Which then led to me silently having tears dripping from my eyes down my face and when I started I just couldn't stop. It started out just quite slow tears but then the more he talked the harder it became to keep the tears at bay. I was a complete blubbering mess by the time we were done. But he was very sportive and just let me lean on him and cry for a little wile before trying to figure out what was going on in my head. To be completely honest at first even I wasn't Sher why I was crying. But now after a little thought I think at first it was me feeling bad for not being home last week when my sister was home and because of how home sick I had felt last week. Even though Megan Girth and I were in the beautiful city of New York on a trip we had planned months ago and that I was super exited for it didn't change how home sick I was or how bad I felt for leaving my sister when shes having so many problems right now and may have needed me. It may sound weird but I have always been pretty much the most grownup person of my group of friends and I have always been the more motherly one. And most of the time I'm the one that every one in my small group of friends comes to with there problems and I always try to help, support, listen, and offer suggestions to them while trying to be as little judgmental as possible. But this time I was the one that needed help and didn't know what to do, and for me taking advice from others dose not come easy because usually its the other way around. I really realize now that I don't deal well with not knowing what to do or what to say. And with my sister I just don't know what I'm doing. We weren't raised together and hell we barely know each other and a lot of the time my sister seems to get very defensive very fast when I try to help which makes things even more difficult and ties me in knots because I wont to help but don't know how which makes me feel help less and worse then anything elts I hate with a burning passion feeling helpless, mostly because I'm not used to it. So as a whole I did something very unusual I let someone not only see me cry but totally brake down. And I told my dad the best I could manage what was going threw my head and how I was feeling and what was making me feel so helpless and what was making me cry. But in the end I know I didn't communicate everything because there's a lot there and its hard to speak the words of it all to someone elts. In part I think its because I don't like being judged and for some reason that's all most of the people I associate with are overly judgmental and ultimately not very forgiving or open minded.
