Today I totally broke down. My dad and I were talking about my sister's mom which led to talking about my sister and then I just started thinking about everything that's been going on. Which then led to me silently having tears dripping from my eyes down my face and when I started I just couldn't stop. It started out just quite slow tears but then the more he talked the harder it became to keep the tears at bay. I was a complete blubbering mess by the time we were done. But he was very sportive and just let me lean on him and cry for a little wile before trying to figure out what was going on in my head. To be completely honest at first even I wasn't Sher why I was crying. But now after a little thought I think at first it was me feeling bad for not being home last week when my sister was home and because of how home sick I had felt last week. Even though Megan Girth and I were in the beautiful city of New York on a trip we had planned months ago and that I was super exited for it didn't change how home sick I was or how bad I felt for leaving my sister when shes having so many problems right now and may have needed me. It may sound weird but I have always been pretty much the most grownup person of my group of friends and I have always been the more motherly one. And most of the time I'm the one that every one in my small group of friends comes to with there problems and I always try to help, support, listen, and offer suggestions to them while trying to be as little judgmental as possible. But this time I was the one that needed help and didn't know what to do, and for me taking advice from others dose not come easy because usually its the other way around. I really realize now that I don't deal well with not knowing what to do or what to say. And with my sister I just don't know what I'm doing. We weren't raised together and hell we barely know each other and a lot of the time my sister seems to get very defensive very fast when I try to help which makes things even more difficult and ties me in knots because I wont to help but don't know how which makes me feel help less and worse then anything elts I hate with a burning passion feeling helpless, mostly because I'm not used to it. So as a whole I did something very unusual I let someone not only see me cry but totally brake down. And I told my dad the best I could manage what was going threw my head and how I was feeling and what was making me feel so helpless and what was making me cry. But in the end I know I didn't communicate everything because there's a lot there and its hard to speak the words of it all to someone elts. In part I think its because I don't like being judged and for some reason that's all most of the people I associate with are overly judgmental and ultimately not very forgiving or open minded.
Take it from someone who has always been the go to person for help, although asking for help is hard to learn how to do once you start it beomes easier and is good for everybody in your life.
ReplyDeleteNobody can do it all, especially on their own. You know how you feel when someone asks you for help, it makes you feel kind of special. Well, by not asking someone else for help you are denying them that feeling of being special.
Start with your mom and dad, sometimes just talking about something helps you figure out what's going on inside your head.
Good luck with everything, remember it's always all right in the end. If it's not all right it's not the end.